Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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