My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
