somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
