John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
