allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
