the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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