Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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