I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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