i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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