What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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