he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
