Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
high people should be assigned attendants
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
