atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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