What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
