Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
