I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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