Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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