wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
