He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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