I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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