Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
