so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
