I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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