Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
