Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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