just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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