Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I need a beard to bite.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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