woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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