im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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