god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
