There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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