i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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