Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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