I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
