one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my shit smells like andre
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
All the doctor said was why
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
