You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
