At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
