We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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