Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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