They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
