I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
