I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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