He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
