At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
