I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
