Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
