I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
