and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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