I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
