Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
