I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
