you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
